My brain won’t stop. It is just constant at the moment.
Always thinking, always fretting, always yawning, always thinking two, three,
four days ahead. I cannot settle. I have no routine. I cannot concentrate. I
have started three new crochet projects three times and then either ripped them
apart or put them away again. I cannot focus or fathom or understand or translate
patterns at the moment, it’s like I haven’t got the brain power anymore.
My tinnitus is HELLO I’M RIGHT HERE up to the max at the mo
and it’s like I’ve never been so acutely aware of it before now, but of course I
have because I’ve had it for over ten years now (hi, punk rock gigs). I cannot
settle. My ears do not settle. I feel like I should be DOING STUFF. But I have
nothing much to do. I vacuum. I tidy. I clean. I wipe. I watch the birds. I play
games. I tidy. I eat. Sometimes I stretch. I cannot commit to anything, everything
feels so temporary, so short term, so intermittent.
We’ve been in the new house for about a month now and I am
SO GRATEFUL that we moved when we did. I don’t think I would’ve coped with
three or more months of being separated from David. This house has given us
more than just a place for us to live together. It’s finally our own space. It’s
our own patch. Our routine, our stuff, our sofa, our place to slob out together,
our place to look after. Our place. But still I cannot settle.
I am anxious about oh so many things. SO many! The house,
money, the garden, the birds, the neighbours, the lack of a blue bag for paper
recycling, my ears, David, sleeping, the curtains, do we have enough food
(yes), are we going to be ok (yes), are we still going to have jobs at the end
of this (probably yes). My brain is scattered into pieces and I cannot stop
yawning.
I have planted seeds and I have sown flowers. I am excited about
and looking forward to what this garden will look like in a few months time. I
am hoping for colour, shapes, massively tall sunflowers, lots of calendula and
lobelia, and loads of nasturtiums taking over. I am going to have pumpkins and
courgettes in the borders and tomatoes hanging off the fence. I am going to
have beans, peas, sunflowers, sweet peas, nasturtium and hibiscus climbing up
the fence.
A couple of hours of tranquillity in the garden helped to
quiet my mind, but now it is back to full whirring overdrive capacity.
