I am Not Good.
My mental health is at the lowest it has been for a long
time. I constantly feel like I’m on the verge of tears but nothing will come
out. I am utterly, utterly, truly, mentally exhausted. What a year, eh? I hate
feeling like this. I hate that I know I will carry on and make myself worse
before I stop and get help. I feel like a monumental failure and a massive let
down. I feel like I should be able to deal with this and get through it by
myself.
Of course I can’t. I never do.
I am really struggling with working from home. I resent the
upstairs because half of it is now work space. I don’t go into that room
outside of work hours, so out of five total rooms in the house, I only use
four. I am really struggling.
I have booked a day off work to do all the things I never
have time or brain power to do and to me, that is quite sad and says a lot
about the state of things. Needing to book time off work so I can do normal
household stuff without feeling guilty about skipping work.
All I want to do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry. David
doesn’t like it though because he doesn’t know what to say or what to do or how
to act. But sometimes it doesn’t need anything. Sometimes I just need to cry.
Exercise today: beating myself up, mentally.
I have started doing a row of crochet at lunchtime because
it takes about 45 minutes and keeps me gently occupied without doom scrolling
on social media or feeling guilty about not being at the laptop. I am having to
force myself to crochet.
Dinner today is spaghetti and meatballs with homemade veg
loaded sauce, made by David because I am miserable and he’s had a day off work.
It is nice to finish work and not have to go straight into chef mode. I wish it
happened more often.
In other news, I liked the way the candle cast a light on the wall. My peas are looking good after being planted this weekend, and today I have podded ALL of the remaining sweet peas that I picked from my allotment, ready to give out to my volunteers to grow them.
