As previously discussed, I hate myself. I am writing this blog straight after I wrote and posted the previous one, and I have shed a single tear. Just one. I feel like such a failure but I also feel guilty for things not being ok. I feel guilty for dragging people down with me. I feel like I should have my shit together and I should be able to cope with this. I should be able to live and not let things get to me or bring me down.
But I do and it does and it will continue to do so. I expect
when David gets home I will big ugly cry.
So, aims and goals for 2021. I hate saying I don’t do resolutions,
but then I do this. I do it because I need something to focus on, something to
aim for, something to do when I get bored (which is often).
In October this year, I will be 33. Officially the last year of being
in my ‘early thirties’. I do not want to be the way I am now when I turn 33. I never planned on living past 25 and I'm almost ten years past that milestone. It's unchartered territory, but I want to feel better about myself and not have all this hatred inside.
Things to do then.
I have deleted the dominos app from my phone and blocked the
website. And the pizza hut app which I didn’t even realise I had.
I am slowly working my way through the festive treats and
when they’re gone they shall not be replaced. I threw the rest of the pumpkin
cake away. I froze the rest of the pumpkin puree in a tub to use at halloween but
I shall probably forget it exists.
I am going to print off this years batch of ’30 day
challenges’. I need physical checklists that I can tick off, it makes me feel
better and more in control and like I am doing something productive. This year:
Squats
Push ups
Planks
Hula hooping (not a challenge thing but I shall
invent one)
Bean weights (again, not a challenge but I shall make
one up as I go). I use the 400g tins as weights.
Exercise bike every day, starting with 10mins. My app/watch
doesn’t record indoor cycling as a distance but my butt hurts after 10mins, so I’ll
start there.
Skipping rope. I bought a skipping rope ages ago and
the only place I had space to use it was at work so I used it once a week for
about three weeks. I have now decided that if I clear some space in the garden I
should have room between the potting bench and washing line to use it more, so I
am going to try and skip for at least 2mins a day. 2mins is exhausting.
Walking. Simple. Free. Also incredibly anxiety attack
inducing, but I do like walking. I said I was going to walk a mile a day in
October and it just didn’t happen. I am too good at making excuses. D doesn’t
like walking on footpaths by roads, but I quite like putting my headphones on
and getting a good beat going. I will walk.
Every year I become one of those NEW YEAR NEW ME wankers,
but the truth is, it is a new year, and it’s the end of a really fucking shit
year, and I am the same me but I am trying to be better. I want to be better. Self
improvement is a good thing. I want to be healthy. I want a healthier
relationship with myself.
I want to not hate myself anymore.
If I could afford it, I think I’d start regular therapy this
year. But I can’t afford it, so I shan’t.
