Week Twelve of Furlough

All change! 

Mental Ill Health

My medication isn’t affecting me how it did last time my dose was increased and I’m not sure why, and if that’s a good thing or not. My brain is still overwhelmingly sad, but I am so far managing to suppress it and get things done. If I stop, it takes over. My tinnitus is mega bad, especially at bed time. The imposter syndrome is strong, I feel like a fraud, and I feel like a failure. Every time I am doing well and making good progress it all comes crashing down again, and it’s hard to accept that it isn’t me, it’s external things making me ill.

Work

I have had the phonecall! I am going back to work on July 1^st. Only part time, 18hrs a week, but after 12 weeks of furlough and 14 weeks of not working, I am looking forward to it. I will be working from home, catching up on admin and e learning, doing Covid risk assessments, and doing wellbeing stuff for the volunteers. After a couple of weeks I will be venturing out to sites to check them, gather gloves to bring home and wash, and to clean tools etc and disinfect handles, the office etc. We won’t be having practical sessions until September at the earliest but I have a lot to be getting on with before then. I will be part time furloughed, and then maybe back at work full time in August but we’re not sure about that yet.

 

Allotment

The doctor has prescribed allotment three times a week and so I have. It has been far too hot for me this second half of the week. I spent time on Monday working on Mommas plot, stripping back turf so that she can make a pumpkin patch. Tuesday was spent shifting the compost from her plot to mine – three trips in the car vs 15 or so with the barrow! What a good car. On Wednesday I did a brief jaunt to sow more parsnip seed, and I noticed that the loofah is starting to flower!

I have been suffering quite badly with blackfly this year on the loofah and the nasturtium aren’t yet big enough to be sacrificial plants. I was checking on the loofah and noticed that all the blackfly had gone, but I did also see one massive ladybird larvae looking very pleased with itself!

The sweetcorn are loving the hot weather and have shot up. One of the plants was a lot smaller and weaker than the rest and I thought it was going to die, but it has caught up with the others.

Lots of baby yellow courgettes are coming – I suspect I will have a glut of these in a few weeks time (there’s a surprise).

The sweet peas have also suddenly decided to grow. I was quite disappointed in these as they weren’t getting very tall at all but they’ve also had a growth spurt and are putting out lots of flower buds, so I'm happier with them now.

The potatoes are getting super tall and are starting to flower. I do love potato flowers; they come in so many colours.

I have also sowed a load of flower seed in the raised planting area that David built into my new compost bins. It is a narrow strip but filled with peat free compost. Last year it had nasturtium, rosemary, lavender, and mesembryanthemum. All of it died. This year it has heartsease, red & white clover, nasturtium, cowslip, and dwarf foxglove.

I have harvested the first carrots this week! I sowed these at the start of lockdown as part of a panic seed sowing spree. Growing carrots is very satisfying - the seeds are tiny but what you harvest is huge in comparison! Always a good feeling pulling out a good solid carrot.

Garden

It has been far too hot to do much. I have had to buy some slip on shoes to wear in the garden as the paving slabs get too hot for my feeties. I do like bare foot gardening but I don't want burnt feet! The borage has started flowering, as have the French marigolds in the fence hangers. All of the things that I started from seed are starting to come to life and I am enjoying finding new flowers every day.

The peas are so tall now that I’ve had to start training them across the fence instead of up! I have picked the first pea and scoffed it – it was yummy yummy.

I found this photo of the garden back in March before we did anything and I can’t believe the difference – even though it was us who’ve made it all. I am building up ideas of what I want for next year too. I am going to get some small trees and put them in pots – I want holly and buckthorn alder for the butterflies.

We haven’t had any more visitations from the ratty boy. I am thinking about getting another bird feeding pole for putting more hanging baskets up. I have ordered a load of new fresh herb plants including an orange thyme, so I want herby hanging baskets. I am thinking of digging out the lobelia and putting them around the outside of the baskets. Need to wait until next payday now though...

Some of the sunflowers are nearly as tall as the fence panels now so I have put in a couple of 8ft canes for them to be tied to. I think these are the Pikes Peak variety which means they might get up to 4m tall!!

Homelife

I had a little post-bath visitor under my bed as I was sitting in my towel. I presume it flew in through the open window but the first I heard was a massive thunk as it fell to the ground. It was about an inch long! I trapped it in a cup and slid some paper under it to release it back out the window. It was a huge grass hopper!!

David has finally admitted defeat and swapped the mattresses back. He had bought a super expensive, super huge, super hard mattress when we moved in and it’s been a sore point ever since. It is magic for him and his back but it has been absolute hell for me. I’ve not been sleeping well since we had it and as it is SO thick (11 inches deep!!) I had been having nightmares about falling out of bed. I kept waking up right on the edge and jumping backwards with shock. So we changed the mattresses and we are now back on the original memory foam one, and it is HEAVEN. For me, anyway. I have slept so much better for the last few nights, I can actually get comfortable, and I’ve not been having nightmares. David however hates it as it is too soft, so we have decided to invest in a more expensive memory foam one. The downside is we are used to being high off the floor so getting out of bed is now harder…

I haven’t done any more of my jigsaw. I just can’t face it. It is still on the living room floor, half done.

I only have eight squares left on the blanket. I am working my way through my pile of green yarns as I need more green on the blanket. I have enough for maybe four squares, so the last four still need to be sorted.

I have also started a fluffy soft winter baby blanket for my cousin who had a baby girl this week.

We’ve had our first chippy tea this week! It was well good. Really nice fish, and super nice chips. I’m not usually one for chippy chips as I prefer thin fries, but these were gert lush.

Next week we will be sorting out the second bedroom to turn it into an office space for me. Work have authorised me to buy a desk and stick it on expenses so I have somewhere better to work.

Week Eleven of Furlough

The novelty has most definitely worn off.

 

Mental Ill-Health

This last week, the anxiety has given way to a bout of depression. My brain is very numb and my heart is very low. I have cried a lot. I’m not sleeping very well and I cannot motivate myself to anything that will make me feel better. I cannot do the jigsaw as I cannot concentrate enough to remember things. I have had bad thoughts in my brain and they still scare me even though I know I won’t act on them. I phoned the doctors and they have increased my medication dose to the maximum. I feel like a failure for falling back into it.

 

Homelife

Has been touch and go. I am getting very, very, very, very fed up of always having to do the chores because I am home and David is not. It is wearing me down.

We are still eating lots of healthy home cooked meals, and lots of homemade salads.

^^^ This was a veg loaded sauce that David made. It had onion, leek, garlic, tomatoes, celery, pepper, mushroom, courgette, chopped tomatoes, and loads of fresh herbs from the garden (sage, mint, basil, thyme).

I started the next 1000 pieces jigsaw; it is an 1820 map of the mineralogical deposits across England and Wales, and parts of Ireland and Scotland. Very niche.

I only have ten squares or so left to do for my next blanket. I think I need to buy the rest of the yarn as I have run out of colours.

 

Garden

We have had the first couple of strawberries from the garden this week; the blackbird has had the rest. There are still lots more to come as I have bought about 20 new bareroot plants this year. The tomatoes are starting to swell, I’ve picked the first courgette and the next three are coming, and the peas are starting to swell.

The planters out the front are looking good, especially now that one has a huge clump of snapdragons in it. The rose is putting out loads of flowers. I am not deadheading it as I want to leave the hips for the birds. The rat problem of the back garden has now turned into an ants nest problem right by the front door – they are farming aphids on the roses.

I have managed to kill off one of my new houseplants, probably by over watering. It may be salvageable but right now it looks incredibly sad. It might recover but I’m not holding out much hope.

I have transplanted things that were mine at Mommas house, including a rose and a shrimp plant. We call it a shrimp plant because the flowers look like actual shrimps, but it apparently actually called a pink cigar plant. I split the clump into three and spread them around the garden – only one clump looks happy but I am going to wait a month or so, then cut them down so they can grow up again. Might work, might not.

The sunflowers are glorious and I am very excited to see them. The gladioli corms I planted should flower in September but I want to see them now.

The mini greenhouse from Momma is now housing the garlic from the allotment so they can dry, and it also has the aubergine x14, and 4x capsicum that were a freebie from the community tunnel on the allotment.

Allotment

The French beans I had sown had all been eaten as soon as they emerged so I have started some seeds off at home and will just transplant them when they are big enough. The tray got waterlogged in the downpours this week so I have drained it off as best I can, and it is now in the mini greenhouse at home to stop them getting soaked again. I don’t want to rot the seeds!

I have met my new allotment neighbours, they have taken on two plots next to me. This means that five plots in a row are held by three people, as the couple the other side of me also have two plots. I briefly had two plots a number of years ago but it was far too much work, especially with the way the site floods every winter. The new people told me they want chickens, so I showed them the fox den at the top of the plots.

The doctor has prescribed 3 days a week minimum at the allotment for me to try and get out of this bout of depression.

I am harvesting salad stuff every time I go, and I even pulled a red onion this week. It was absolutely tiny – the size of a golf ball – but we used it in a salad. I think the onion crop has been a failure this year which is a shame.

^^^ This is a radish.

^^^ Peacock butterfly caterpillar, the first I have seen on the allotment for about six years.

The courgettes and things I was growing for work are now in beds on the allotment. I planted 5 courgettes and 2 butternut squash. I have also pruned the tomatoes to help air circulate around the plants.

I have been measuring up for timber so that I can build the rest of the raised beds. I have measured up for 11 new beds which will completely change the look and layout of the bottom part of the plot. I have also decided to put in new beds, including a couple in my new polytunnel that I still haven’t put up. So in total I will have 16 new beds. That’s a lot of timber. And dirt.

I pulled the garlics as I couldn’t wait any longer. It wasn’t the greatest harvest but it’s my first proper one, ever, so I’m ok with that.

I might be going back to work part time soon which will be nice. It’ll give me a bit more structure to the day and I’ll hopefully feel like I’m doing something productive. We shan’t be doing practical things as there’s a lot of prep work to do before we can.